10 Ways to Keep Your Long term relationship from getting too Cold: This is a blog post based on personal experience I have had with friends who are dear to me. I hope it helps you to keep your long running relationship from getting too cold.
I am seeing too many marriages dangerously standing on a cliff hanger especially those of my friends and neighbours making me cringe in horror. Why do marriages suddenly become a game of concealed warfare?
For many that I know, long term marriage has become a mental prison from which they long to escape
I hope that this will help you to make your marriage last a lifetime in joy and rekindle some or all of the spark of the earlier years.
This post is inspired by three events of the last one week. The first is the tragic death of a marriage of a neighbour that lasted barely five (5) years. The second is the marriage of a friend whose bethrotal inspired and help me to look for love again after I lost the love of my life. The third is that of a Christian brother who had to run into the streets to save himself from being killed and possibly from killing his wife. A bit of each these relationships in a while.
Dwindling Light of Love
Dwindling light from burning candles,
make the darkness appear only larger,
then the night is,
in this cold, hard life that I live,
time ticks away day after day,
I try to shake the blackness away,
but it holds on, and refuses to leave,
bitter it bits, just as the dawn comes,
as to relive this soul,
from all the loneliness it owns.
- Walter C. Edwards
As the poet Walter E. Edwards has rightly pointed out above, the light of love begins to dwindle with the passage of time. Like the burning candles, the darkness (and frustrations) become longer and more oppressive leading to all manners of misfortune such as mental health issues, homicide or death.
For many that I know, long term marriage has become a mental prison from which they long to escape. I don’t know if you are in that dire straits because this is the reason I’m writing this. So patiently follow these suggestions and see how you can revive the bells and whistles of early years.
Worrisome Three
Let’s look at the three (3) marriages cited above a bit more.
- In this first one, husband and wife speak the same native language and have a son together. They lived in various houses, one house in a year, because they could not help being the most troublesome couple every where they lived. In their five (5) years of disastrous marriage they lived in five different houses. For the last five (5) years they battled sexual compatibility issues, lack of trust and total disrespect for each other and every neighbourhood knew of their issues because they could not manage them. The most prominent was that the man wanted sex six (6) to ten (10) times every day and whenever the wife complained she was beaten.
- Initially it was not a problem but as time went on, she began to default. This led to skirmishes and with time, the wife began to seek refuge in the homes of neighbours. This inflamed the husband the more leading to accusations of infidelity.
- The second is a friend’s marriage that was an ideal marriage some twenty five (25) years ago. It was an ideal marriage, not because they had no issues, but because they were able to manage them well. Years later, it seems as poet Edwards noted, the flame is gone and the marriage totters on the precipice of disintegration. They were really happy together in the early years and have four (4) beautiful children between them. All their children are high flyers and would be your ideal kids. So you would give it to them that they have done a great job of training these adorable kids. Coincidentally, this couple is now struggling with keeping a veneer of conviviality but I noticed huge signs of a dryer and when I investigated, I saw that theirs was so troubled, God will have to intervene. Eating together is now a rarity and they no longer sleep on the same bed. Bed time has become bored time.
- The third marriage was barely five (5) years old when it went up in tatters. I am positive the only thing that will bring that marriage to an end will be grief or drift. Except God will have mercy, it was all but gone when I got involved with them. This couple are from the same language group. They both attend the same church and were both workers in this church. A bit of their church will give you an idea of what I am driving at. This church doesn’t toy with issues of holiness neither do they take marriage lightly. They have a very strong Marriage Counseling Department that screens intending couples thoroughly before approving the wedlock. Their insistence on proper marriage has resulted in some children from this particular church going to other permissive ones to get married. They will have your bank account checked, your work history, your bedroom and the number of fork and spoon you have examined before the church can approve your marriage. I think you have an idea of what I am saying now.
- So how they escaped those loops to get married was a mystery. Why?
- In just three years, they had drifted apart dangerously. First, these two are very attractive physically. They would pass for your ideal couple but they were in troubled waters as soon as they got married. Secondly child bearing was a breeze. In that three years they were blessed with two adorable kids, a boy and a girl. Yet they slept in two different rooms. I don’t know if they started that way though but this is the first sign of incompatibility. (Watch for: Signs That You’re Incompatible). I was shocked when this brother approached me to help him as he felt his life was at stake. How come Brother Peter (not real names) feared for his life?
Coincidentally, this couple is now struggling with keeping a veneer of conviviality but I noticed huge signs of a dryer and when I investigated, I saw that theirs was so troubled, God will have to intervene. Eating together is now a rarity and they no longer sleep on the same bed. Bed time has become bored time.
Asoya Relationship Musings - ARM 