By Ngozi H. Asoya (Larryhappiday)
SPACE: This is one concept many married people do not understand. Yet, in the vast ocean of intimacy, there should be oasis of quiet. Every time you hear this expression it is a cry for Emotional Space. Listen to this soul cry or risk damaging your partner beyond repairs.
In every relationship, people do need space. This is not the spacing of children, even though it might include it. We’re talking about physical and emotional space where they are able to process their reality with a view to understanding them. Although the concept of privacy helps to illustrate the phenomenon of space, it does not completely describe it. If you use the word secrecy, you may be discussing a part of this condition but there’s still some more to it. You can keep something in the open and yet be not ready to discuss it at the moment.
There are moments when you need to process your thoughts and feelings without the physical or emotional involvement of any other even your spouse. It is not to be mistaken with withdrawal or estrangement. It is a healthy process of rebooting of the mind to bring it up to date with reality. So, when your spouse tends to want their space, let them alone.
I have heard couples barge in on their spouses’ thoughts with comments like: “a Kobo for your thoughts”, “what is on your mind”, etc. This could be a playful way to break the ice in a prolonged rumination but when you have a secure relationship and trust each other, you could count on it that they would let you into their thoughts or share their fears, hurts, or deepest longings without worrying about being judged.
Just like the Space explorer, we need our moments of self examination. All humans are travellers on this sphere: we need to check out signposts to be sure that we’re not lost. That is to ensure that you are not entangling your self in a self destructive web of emotional mumbo jumbo.
You have your emotional space and so does your partner. The amount of emotional investment each makes in the life of the other is a fraction of their commitment to the relationship; yet, the amount of freedom (space) you allow them is crucial in the over all health of the relationship.
So quality should be the goal not quantity. Being constructively involved helps you significant others, SO, to cope with the vicissitudes of life.
Why you need emotional space
- Stronger Relationship: According to Jen Kirsch in Elle, “Emotional and physical space from your partner nurtures the relationship because it provides a sense of independence for both, and it makes your relationship stronger because it allows it room to grow and flourish.” Without this independence, emotional turmoils as experienced by Bimbo Ogbonna may erupt.
- Keeps Personal Life on Track: Every one needs the reassurance that they are in a healthy relationship. Having your personal emotional space will help you process how you are faring in the relationship. It helps you to heal when the inevitable hurts arise and obtain the reassurance that you’re valued.
- Personal Secrecy: No matter how close you are to your spouse, there are private issues that you may not want to share with your SO or anyone else. Prying too deep may cause people to feel invaded, especially where you feel there are secrets you must take to your grave.
- Mutual Respect: the fact that you understand that your partner has needs that are of a personal nature makes it easy to appreciate them when they are with you. It helps to prevent the SEE FINISH syndrome which is the disrespectful use of the other as though they have no right to any other life except the relationship.
- Maintenance of personal network. Maintenance of one’s personal network of friends and family is crucial. It’s not every conversation you have with your parents that your SO should hear. In the same manner, there are other life support systems that deserve your attention personally. Each time I write my articles, I noticed that my wife Justina quietly observes but rarely now intrudes into my thoughts nor my writing. It enables me to keep writing these Musings and I’m grateful for that. So, we should create spaces that help to fulfill our obligations to others without encumbering our SO with the additional duty of shouldering our personal burdens; unless where there’s lack of clarity or confusion.
- Questioning your attitude: believe it or not, having an emotional space can help you to process your own thoughts and attitudes. It can help you develop a better understanding of issues and to develop superior ways to solve your family problems. So go on and dream on. Enjoy your space. Give space and demand for respect for yours. It’s a give and take situation remember?
Asoya Relationship Musings - ARM 