Incompatibility in the bedroom has destroyed many otherwise fantastic marriages. Pastor Ngozi Hippolytus Asoya breaks the taboo of sexual incompatibility and says the time has come for Christians to address the epidemic of immorality that it breeds.
Although many marriages have been slaughtered on the altar of sexual incompatibility, the truth is that sexual parity is possible. After many years of seeing couples whine and pine helplessly, it is a surprise that more relationships are still going down because of perceived sexual disparities. In this article, I will attempt to explain the concept of sexual incompatibility, trace the sources of those variations, and proffer some solutions to the seemingly intractable problem of bedroom agonies rocking marriages.
Definition of sexual incompatibility
There are five different ways to explain sexual incompatibility.
I have had a brief sex talk with a class of matured and, mainly, married adult house leaders, in which some considered my intervention as ungodly. Yet, they didn’t consider that sexual incompatibility has led many Christians and pastors to seek gratification outside their homes
- It can be described as the repeated variation in sexual attraction and fulfilment. If you have ever heard of the “one-minute-man” slur, this is the origin.
- It can also be described as a breakdown of information about sexual fancies, expectations and attitudes leading to both or one partner feeling repeatedly underserved in bed
- Sexual incompatibility occurs when there is a misalignment of bedroom values which leaves one or both parties frustrated and unfulfilled after every meeting.
- Conflicting ideologies of what is morally right in the bedroom may also result in incompatibility and differing feelings of satisfaction among couples. I have had a brief sex talk with a class of mature and, mainly, married adult house leaders, in which some considered my intervention ungodly. Yet, they didn’t consider that sexual incompatibility has led many Christians and pastors to seek gratification outside their homes. It has led many to pornography and cases of unwanted pregnancy leading, in some cases to unsafe abortion and sometimes untimely deaths.
- It can be described as the absence of emotional and physical chemistry which results in unhappy sexual outcomes, a feeling of being used or being unworthy. Sexual compatibility begins in the mind. The moment the minds of both parties are in conflict over what pleasure or source of pleasure is, sex becomes a tedium rather than a medium of transmitting affection.
How incompatibility affects individuals
Incompatibility is a toxic element that undermines relationships due to fundamental differences in values, beliefs, and goals. This lack of compatibility leads to constant conflicts, misunderstandings, and dissatisfaction. As in professional contexts, incompatibility can devastate productivity in individuals and families, hinder progress, and create tension. It also hinders trust, collaboration, and team coherence, ultimately affecting personal satisfaction leading to faulty judgements and impacting overall organizational success.
I have since been receiving weekly prayers from the last woman for helping them overcome their issue. I was over the moon when she told me on phone that she and her husband were “now on honeymoon.”
Who is more guilty of sexual insensitivity?
You would think that this is a young couple’s problem, but it is not. It will surprise you that this is a problem for all ages. I have counselled a man of 62 years who was going through this issue with his 54-year-old wife. I recently counselled another who is 64 and whose wife of 23 years is 48. We went through a session of praying and counselling and I have since been receiving weekly prayers from the last woman for helping them overcome their issue. I was over the moon when she told me on the phone that she and her husband were “now on honeymoon.” It’s amazing!
How to develop sexual compatibility
African cultures make talk about sex a taboo. Without adequate assurances that conversations on this matter will not leak, most people will rather suffer in silence or embark on self-help.
Developing compatibility in couples with different abilities requires open communication, understanding, and a willingness to explore and adapt. Here are some steps that can help foster compatibility:
1. Open and Honest Communication: Create a safe space for discussing desires, needs, and concerns, and encourage dialogue about individual preferences and challenges related to differing abilities. In a relationship without respect for each other’s views, sexual conversations are impossible. Indeed African cultures make talking about sex a taboo. Without adequate assurances that conversations on this matter will not leak, most people will rather suffer in silence or embark on self-help.
2. Education and Awareness: Both partners should learn about each other’s abilities by exploring resources and consulting professionals who specialize in working with couples facing such challenges.
3. Emotional Intimacy: Focus on building an emotional connection and intimacy in the relationship, which can compensate for physical limitations and create a stronger foundation for satisfaction and fulfilment.
4. Creative Exploration: Encourage exploration in the bedroom by finding alternative activities, techniques, and positions that accommodate different abilities and enhance pleasure for both partners. Men are more guilty of this offence. Not encouraging your wife to express herself in the bedroom may result in unfortunate deviations that could ruin the relationship.
5. Sensate Focus Exercises: Engage in non-touch exercises that help build trust, enhance sensual awareness, and foster a deeper connection between partners. Send your partner emoticons and sextext them all day about your love and expectations. That sets women, especially in the mood long before the hour.
6. Mutual Pleasure and Focus on Intimacy: Emphasize the importance of mutual pleasure and intimacy rather than focusing solely on specific acts, expanding the definition of pleasure to include various forms of physical and emotional connection.
7. Patience and Understanding: Recognize that developing compatibility takes time and be understanding and compassionate towards each other’s needs and limitations. Celebrate progress and small victories along the way.
8. Professional Support: Consider seeking guidance from a sex therapist or experienced counsellor who can provide specialized advice and techniques tailored to your unique situation.
9. Scriptural Guidance: Although the Bible does not expressly talk about sexual compatibility in the same way as it is understood today, their ample principles and precepts that can guide you. Within the marriage covenant, these values cover ideas like enduring love, fidelity, respect, and selflessness. Christians can also resort to biblical verses that promote candid communication, comprehension, and addressing one another’s needs in a marriage. It needs to be emphasized that not attending to the sexual needs of your spouse is a fraud. It is as severe as Cheating. It has also resulted in an epidemic of secret sins by those seeking satisfaction outside their dyad.
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (KJV)
Remember, every couple’s journey towards compatibility will be unique, and therefore it is very important to respect individual boundaries, desires, and comfort levels. Effectively Communicating with each other will create an atmosphere of understanding and a commitment to mutual pleasure. Satisfaction in bed is a right and intimacy is essential for developing compatibility in couples with different abilities. I recommend having an Amos 3:3 Moment on sexual compatibility early in the union to avoid the avoidable situation of emotional entanglement that could result from moving out of the dyad for sexual gratification.
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We are getting questions on the concept of Amos 3:3 Moments. Below are some of them that will help you understand it more and apply it in your life, career, business, and marriage.
What is an Amos 3:3 Moment?
An Amos 3:3 Moment is a time when we feel disconnected or distant from those around us, struggling to find common ground and unity. Wherever there is a need to bond and achieve great things, there you have a need for Amos 3:3. Deliberately applying the principles of Amos 3:3 will not only help you avoid conflicts but it will also lead to better cooperation and more productivity.
How can I strengthen my faith during challenging times?
There are several ways to strengthen your faith during challenging times, such as prayer, reading the Bible, and connecting with other believers.
What does the Bible say about relationships?
The Bible offers guidance on relationships, emphasizing the importance of love, forgiveness, and unity in our interactions with others.
How can I apply these principles to my daily life?
You can apply these principles to your daily life by seeking to build unity and togetherness in your relationships, practicing forgiveness and love, and relying on faith and prayer during difficult times.
Can Amos 3:3 help my marriage?
Marriage is a relationship between two different people united by the Divine purpose of companionship, love and procreation. Since individuals have different upbringings and backgrounds before entering into marriage, Amos 3:3 is a powerful tool that can help you meet your differences and resolve them through respectful communication and truthful discussion.
Asoya Relationship Musings - ARM 
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